until i am famous!

as i was surfing the internet for some desired information, i realised that every keyword typed into google leads to atleast one blogging site in the search results. it just proves that the new mania in internet land is the blogging mania. ofcourse, this is a great development which allows people to connect better and faster. but that also means, that every human being is a writer. where does that leave the likes of me? no, i am not complaining!
with all these actors, directors and other pseudo intellectual individuals blogging, it puts us, lesser known but equally talented people at the backdrop of events. therefore, it is only sensible that i tell myself that i can seriously consider blogging only after i am safely famous. that realised it puts a whole new perspective onto my list of goals.
as many of us complain, no one reads our blogs. but, why should the reader who wants to unwind after a long day, read our blog? what sets us apart? wouldn't he rather type out his favourite celebrity's name and read the blog that pops up? it gives him more insight into the life of an individual he admires and it also allows him to step out of his own shoes and live a different life for a while. movie watchers watch mindless romantic sagas with very much the same aim, to travel in a bubble of imagination that is different from his everyday mundane routine. what do we, infamous bloggers offer the reader? our take on life, movies, attitudes, nature et al? who cares? does you spouse, partner or sibling care? yes, mommy dearest cares, but only because she has no other business. i am not sure what fathers care about as yet.
what value do we bring into this world? what do we know that the rest of the world does not already know?
if there is a reader, he is wondering, why on earth am i reading a blog filled with questions? which is yet another question. i don't know, which is why i am writing this.
honestly, i would rather go and read farhan akthar's blog. and i am sure i am not the only one who would pick a celebrity over a faceless comrade. everyone likes pretty faces. so do i.
so, i guess, until i am a known and well loved face, i shouldn't really expect anyone to walk through these pages. and if somebody stumbles here because of a bad internet server, well, he knows that i support his want to not read this.
Good day and happy living!

maybe

maybe, it does not exist. the world i am so desperately looking for. clawing at the air around me, in the hope that maybe, just maybe, i will feel something. is there a world, where life isn't this annoyed at me? where things are not this complicated? is it an island i am seeking or have i just died inside? little by little? my recurring dream scares to the pitts sometimes. then, i wake up and am not sure if this world is still real. maybe it is and maybe i am not. wish this were a dream that i could wake up from. but, i don't wake up. and i try to shut my eyes tightly hoping that it will not hurt so much.. maybe.
why can't i have a normal family? why can't i be a normal child? why do i have to screw up so much if at all?
in my sordid dreams, i see myself holding a loaded gun and asking the person in front of me, "who are you? can i trust you?" and then,i start screaming,i wake up wet and screaming in my bed. it seems that i can't trust anyone and then moment i do, even for a second, i withdraw immediately. shut off completely and seem distant. i don't know where to go anymore. whom to seek out. i guess i've become too needy or not. i don't know. i know nothing. i feel like a machine. i am a machine. i laugh when expected to and don't cry at all. i am living a lie. pretending each day. and i am tired of it. i just want to be me. just the way i am. and i cannot do that. no one will like that. it won't be a very pretty picture. maybe. just maybe. one maybe. many maybe. may be. may it be. may it not be.

So, what's the story .... Morning Glory....?

as i stand over a pool of my own blood and stare at a distorted reflection of my face, i decide to finally, bare all. say it like it is and not think about how it may sound. because it is going to sound as it is, nothing else. it cannot sound any different from the stark reality. no flowery words or pretty frills are going to make me seem any nicer than i really am.
many aeons ago, i was dying to step into the real world and taste its many wonders. today, i've finally stepped into sea and it is doesn't give me a heady feeling of bliss achievement. it feels heavy on my heart and impossible to deal with. facing the real world means, your life will constantly have more than one problem, it will also mean that you cannot trust a single soul around you.
the real world, consists of bills you cannot seem to pay and people you cannot seem to stand for more than five minutes. i had this insane belief that i know it all, i sadly learnt that i know nothing and i control nothing.
so, as my first post said, i'd have to someday write here who really is morning fire and how did that name come about anyway. well, i stole the tag from one of my old memories. apparently, i willing to let the coffee go but not the tag. so, i stole it. no, i did not create it, i simply took it off someone who is of greater intellect than me and who i know, today, is a better person than i can ever be. i started writing here because i had nowhere else to go and no one who would hear me out. i believe i can do great things one day, and i also believe that i will go to my grave with that belief unfulfilled. not that it bothers me anymore. it used to, but, not anymore.
i try just like many others to attract attention. most of the time unnecessary attention. i do things that i shouldn't do and say things that mostly hurt. i am proud of the fact that in my head, i live on an island. i don't like people and i do everything i can to stay away from them. i sit for hours doing nothing, because i like it like that. it suits me better than doing something and then messing it up.
i read thick boring books and tell myself that i am being intellectual when in all reality, i am just escaping, because people usually do not get into conversation with somebody who has their head inside a book. it is easier. easier than having a conversation.
i am rude while trying to be insightful. insolent while trying to intellectual. so, that is the story, by morning glory.

why do you want to be like that;
like there is nothing new.
you are not fooling anyone;
you are not even fooling you!

connecting the broken strings..

as i sit watching these cars whizz by me in their superfast, extravagant speed, i wonder when i will get back into the race long begun and left undone. my unconnected thoughts force me to stay away from my keyboard. but, something within me pushes me to write lest i forget what i set out to do. i am scared i will lose touch with my inner reality. one of my primary thoughts goes back to the days gone by. the goddamn stars, water and pretty pretty lights. its funny how no matter what i do, or what turn my life takes, i remember broken, old promises. some i made to myself, some others made to me and some i made to others. i see this large container filled with blood and feel myself drowning into it. i delve deep into my soul and try to pull out the beautiful images i used to carry around in my heart not so long ago. i don't find any, and i don't know where to look anymore. so, i go back into the past, not cursing but remembering. wondering every day what it would be like had things not changed. maybe i wouldn't have been as wise as i am. maybe, not as strong. but, maybe i'd still have been innocent and trusting. many tell me the world is not worth trusting, but, sometime ago, it was. no?

a different sense of similarity

i was sitting in a mall when two kids caught my attention. they were playing a mindless game of jumping all around the place for no apparent reason. these two kids had many "differences", as it is called in the adult world. they were of opposite sexes, and they were of different races. the boy was indian and the girl was from phillipines. they seemed oblivious to this fact and were busy in their self made game. they probably knew everything that is needed to know in order to survive on this earth happily. nothing.
the fact that they knew nothing, understood nothing and cared for nothing, probably was the reason for their complete enjoyment. there was nothing to discriminate them or trouble them. at the end of their little play, they parted ways, with 'byes', 'see yous' and the like. they then turned to their different directions and continued with their respective lives. not turning back and looking at each other or bothering where the other went. this is probably the perspective adults should take up. maybe we should all stop prying into each other's lives. they didn't and i am assuring you that they both slept through the night comfortably, unlike most of us. we all worry about what the other is doing at the particular time or why someone said what they did, and whether they really meant it or not.
those children needed each other at that particular moment and not after that. and they realised this fact and lived up to it. i am not saying that we must use each other and leave. i am only trying to stress the fact that sometimes, in life, we must take things as they are and stop looking for deeper, unintended meanings. this probably might be our anti-stress capsule.
or maybe it won't be. i wouldn't know. because, if i did, i wouldn't be here writing this. i'd be in some happy place enjoying my life, not looking for companionship from a goddamn computer screen. right?

DOOMS DAY!

i was just wondering what value we have of our own life? many people fear death. still many embrace it. what is it that we fear the most? the loss of our loved ones or the loss of our own life? there is this calendar called the "Maya calendar". apparently, there are five predictions been made through it. four of which have come true. the fifth prediction states that "Dooms day" falls on Decemeber 21st, 2012. the meaning of this would be that the world will come to an end on this fated day. something like what happened to the dinosours millions of years ago will now happen to human beings. does that mean anything to anybody? most of the world is dismissing it. ignoring it. living with it.
i don't think i see anyone making any changes in his/her life to accomodate this fact. i am not saying "save the world" or "stop global warming". i am one of those people who lives with such facts. i am not, for one second, going to believe that there is something that can change this happening. it is going to happen if it is going to happen. i am just wondering whether or not the situation should be like in the movies. something like what happened in movies like, "The day after tomorrow", "Invasion", and other such. i mean, the entire world came together and people were telling people they loved just how much they loved them. should that not be happening? even if the world is not really coming to an end. just the thought of this should elicit SOME reaction. any reaction. a reaction. i don't know. maybe i am being stupid. (as usual, some would say). this probably means nothing, but, somehow, i can't help but wonder. :-)

old things

is it really possible to lie to the people who know you the best? which is that one name you'll be screaming when you know that you're going to die in a few minutes. what do you do when you finally wake up two days later to realise you're still alive?
i'll tell you, you call up your best buddy and ask him to drive down to your apartment and get your old phone. you will then stare at the old pictures that you didn't have the guts to delete and listen to the old recordings that still sound great.
you will not call that one person and when you finally cross paths, you will raise your chin and joke around. you will pretend that your life is one big party and you'll let that person know that you don't care about anything. you don't care that the person has changed or doesn't care about you anymore. you'll walk with a strut and come home and gobble down two extra pills and cry a lot. you will ignore the throb in your wrist and you will continue typing. and then you will stare into space and go back to being the shy recluse you love being.
you will clean the table over and over again till your wrist starts bleeding. then, you'll wipe the blood, bandage the wound and start cleaning all over again.
you'll see your future right before you and realise you've left all those you loved far behind and they've taken their own paths. you'll wish them luck and have the overdose you've been saving up for after you've met all those you love with your tiny little heart.