maybe, it does not exist. the world i am so desperately looking for. clawing at the air around me, in the hope that maybe, just maybe, i will feel something. is there a world, where life isn't this annoyed at me? where things are not this complicated? is it an island i am seeking or have i just died inside? little by little? my recurring dream scares to the pitts sometimes. then, i wake up and am not sure if this world is still real. maybe it is and maybe i am not. wish this were a dream that i could wake up from. but, i don't wake up. and i try to shut my eyes tightly hoping that it will not hurt so much.. maybe.
why can't i have a normal family? why can't i be a normal child? why do i have to screw up so much if at all?
in my sordid dreams, i see myself holding a loaded gun and asking the person in front of me, "who are you? can i trust you?" and then,i start screaming,i wake up wet and screaming in my bed. it seems that i can't trust anyone and then moment i do, even for a second, i withdraw immediately. shut off completely and seem distant. i don't know where to go anymore. whom to seek out. i guess i've become too needy or not. i don't know. i know nothing. i feel like a machine. i am a machine. i laugh when expected to and don't cry at all. i am living a lie. pretending each day. and i am tired of it. i just want to be me. just the way i am. and i cannot do that. no one will like that. it won't be a very pretty picture. maybe. just maybe. one maybe. many maybe. may be. may it be. may it not be.
