swirling out of control..

As I sit, alone, on this dull afternoon, I cannot help but acknowledge the feeling inside my head. It is like how my braces feel against my teeth, constricting yet relieving. I want to say so many things, but, in the process of growing up, I've stopped speaking my mind. Somehow it feels more sensible to sit and watch. Listen to what other people say rather than provide my own insight. I want to learn what it is like to NOT be the centre of attention, to NOT have the world spin around you.
Every night, I listen to Jeremy, grandson of Kenneth and Gloria Copeland. His words seem to talk to something that is inside my head. Not quite me, but, me. I don't know if it leaves a mark on my soul or not, but, I sure hope that it does. If not right now, then, atleast at some point in the future.
God and HIS nuances. It is almost like I've lived in the darkness for far too long. I am struggling to get out of the shadows. I don't fight my battles like I used to. The tigress attitude has long left me. I no longer have the incentive to get into a war, its a bloodless battle everyday. Maybe that is the best way to live or maybe that's the only choice I have left. I look for peace, but, I cannot seem to find it. Is it inside me? Has it left me?
I sometimes feel old. As if time has slipped through the gaps between my fingers. I feel like I lost everything in those years when my actions were Godless. I know that I hurt many hearts and trampled many lives. I changed a few and sacrificed yet many on the alter of my climbing. It is all in the past, now, they say. But, is it really? Guilt has overtaken my life and I have lost the taste to live.
I don't really see the point of inching on, but, maybe that is my real punishment. To live with the guilt of what I have done. True happiness lies within the folds of life. I think I straightened life out way too much, leaving no folds at all.
Stop- be still. Ask for instructions. Follow the instructions.
I have stopped. I have stopped doing things the way I used to, I have altered my ways. But, somehow I cannot muster the courage to ask for directions. I should, but, I just don't seem to have the courage. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are or were wrong. It takes courage to bend and ask for help. But, the Helper was sent by the Father. HE wanted me to ASK for help from the Guide. It would be only my folly to not see what lies before me. I have to accept my many faults and go ahead with whatever I have in my hands today. God is with me, or HE would not have brought me so far. HE loves me.
I don't know if those reading this blog will understand what I have written. For someone who has by far lived life by the quarter mile, it seems difficult to see me write about God and HIS ways. But, everyone, one day wakes up and sees the light. I don't know if I have finally seen HIS light, but, I know that I am walking towards it!

And it is finally just me

Why does yesterday keep repeating in my life? Its feels like all of my tomorrows are mirror reflections of my yesterdays. And today, as I gave my final shot at the only future I wanted to be in, it’s blew up in my face. And finally after years of running round in circles, I finally am alone now. Truly completely on my own. All my crutches are gone and now I am forced to stand on my two feet. It feels wobbly. It feels scary, but, I also know now that I have choice. I probably never did, and I kept postponing this day for various reasons. And now, I don’t know whom I am angrier with, myself or the entire world around me. It would be easier to be angry with myself as it is a single person, but, if I have only myself to live with for the rest of my years then, it wouldn’t make sense to be angry with myself. So, I choose to be not angry at all. I scream, yell and release this unending pain that I feel in the bottom of my heart. It will always be there and I will never be complete. Always a part of me missing. And now I know that I have to live with it. With sorrow comes tears but with realization comes salvation. It isn’t possible to please anybody without hurting yourself. So, I am not going to try to please anybody. I have to scrape through my life and that is work enough. I am tired of trying to fit in. now, I am just going to build my own little world away from everyone else. Because I seem to be happiest with myself. And that is probably the saddest thing anyone ever wrote. But, I just did and it does not feel sad anymore.

Readability

A writer's ability is gauged by the readability of his work. Readability is not just how your reader reads your work, it entails a great many rules. When I studied readability in great detail, it worried me to no end. As a writer (if I may be called one), I have never really considered so many points before penning down my heart's song. So, today, as I sit here with a steaming hot cup of tea, I wonder if what I am doing follows all those rules. Ironically, I had heard when I was very very young that there are no rules to being a writer. A writer can say what he wants, how he wants and where he wants. Apparently, that does not hold true in today's day and age when writing has become more or less a business.

One must have a clear picture of his theme, then he must zero in on his target audience and then choose the medium of communication. He must not use flowery sentences and he must use simple words.

If I were to consider all that, then I would have to stop writing because I have always believed that the essence of one's writing lies in the imagery one can create with the use of flowery words. I truly believe that writing in simple, everyday language can be done by anyone. A writer would use words that are rare, so that the reader picks up something of literary essence from the writing.

But, all that said, to be effective and to sell, one must follow the ground rules. Which means the phrase writing for pleasure is to be dumped in the heap of garbage that I had to throw out last weekend, but didn't.

The wild soul that I am, I have never really followed any rules. Not the rules of society, of institutions, organisations or any such. So, following rules to writing goes against my principles. Or not. If I have some dreams, I will have to make some alterations to my thinking.

In the past few months, I have made a great many alterations to my thinking and have changed all my beliefs. At my age and stage, it was a herculean task to change who I was, but, I can proudly gloat that I changed and am now well accepted by those who I care about. Those who I don't care about and those who cannot accept the new me, can go eat grass.

As for my writing, I am going to make special efforts to suit the writing that will be enjoyed by my target audience, will sell like hot cakes (do people care about hot cakes anymore?) and bring me lots and lots of money. Because at the end of all the serenades we tell each other, the only thing true that we probably don't admit is that money rules the world. And no matter how artsy we want to be, at the end of it all, we need lots of money for a roof on our heads, food on the table and clothes on our body. Nothing to cover the soul, I must add, because the soul is free, wild and wonderful. Whether I can be artsy in my life or not, I swear to allow my soul to always be artsy. Nobody can take that away from me. If anyone tries, I will forget readability and all that jazz and pull out my sword and cut his or her heart out. Or maybe not. =)

back again....

I have not been around these pages for a while now and I feel a bit out of place coming here now. So many things have changed in my life in these past few months that I have a constant heady feeling that leads me to believe that everything is super good all the time, which may or may not be true. Producing good work is not easy and in my case it seems to be a tedious job whenever I sit to write nowadays. Somehow for the first time in my life, I don't need to use my writing as a tool or a medium of communication. Back in the day, the only way for me to hear myself out would be to write down what I feel. Now, I just need to pick up the phone and vent my feelings. It is not about the sickeningly sweet sensation called love. I am too old and too mature to believe that love changes everything. It does not. I am not even sure if I can say that I know what love feels like. I probably don't. I have just found a bunch of people who genuinely care about how I feel. The one person who leads the pack of people who care about me is my father. I found him and I don't think anyone, ever, in the history of mankind got that lucky, not even those who discovered diamond and gold. I just know that finally, I have the one shadow over me that is not going to darken my life, but, protect it. I wanted to write a charming and interesting blog, but, I think I am writing something that is totally 'emo', be that a word.
What's it about paragraphs? I have to really put my mind to include it in my writing. My English teacher just returned a test paper with the words, 'paragraph, please', written across my answer in big bold letters. And Dezy, of course was the first person to tell me that my writing is preposterous because I don't use the coveted 'paragraph'! So, now, I making an effort to use paragraphs at all times. But, I wonder if I can use 'literary license' as an excuse for not using paragraphs? No, I won't. That would be wrong. Or not.
I know what I want to write about, but, the words are just not coming to me. Maybe, I should write a poem about it first, to get my thoughts flowing and then write a blog entry about it. Yes, I am using the whole suspense formula with not being clear about what I want to write about. But, you must realise I need something to get readers to come visit me and my last post did not help to keep my reader's population alive.
So, that said, I think I am going to stop here and come back when I have more to say, or rather more matter to discuss. Now, I obviously don't. For those who bothered going through this, Thank you!!
Take care and keep smiling.. =)