As I sit, alone, on this dull afternoon, I cannot help but acknowledge the feeling inside my head. It is like how my braces feel against my teeth, constricting yet relieving. I want to say so many things, but, in the process of growing up, I've stopped speaking my mind. Somehow it feels more sensible to sit and watch. Listen to what other people say rather than provide my own insight. I want to learn what it is like to NOT be the centre of attention, to NOT have the world spin around you.
Every night, I listen to Jeremy, grandson of Kenneth and Gloria Copeland. His words seem to talk to something that is inside my head. Not quite me, but, me. I don't know if it leaves a mark on my soul or not, but, I sure hope that it does. If not right now, then, atleast at some point in the future.
God and HIS nuances. It is almost like I've lived in the darkness for far too long. I am struggling to get out of the shadows. I don't fight my battles like I used to. The tigress attitude has long left me. I no longer have the incentive to get into a war, its a bloodless battle everyday. Maybe that is the best way to live or maybe that's the only choice I have left. I look for peace, but, I cannot seem to find it. Is it inside me? Has it left me?
I sometimes feel old. As if time has slipped through the gaps between my fingers. I feel like I lost everything in those years when my actions were Godless. I know that I hurt many hearts and trampled many lives. I changed a few and sacrificed yet many on the alter of my climbing. It is all in the past, now, they say. But, is it really? Guilt has overtaken my life and I have lost the taste to live.
I don't really see the point of inching on, but, maybe that is my real punishment. To live with the guilt of what I have done. True happiness lies within the folds of life. I think I straightened life out way too much, leaving no folds at all.
Stop- be still. Ask for instructions. Follow the instructions.
I have stopped. I have stopped doing things the way I used to, I have altered my ways. But, somehow I cannot muster the courage to ask for directions. I should, but, I just don't seem to have the courage. It takes a lot of courage to admit that you are or were wrong. It takes courage to bend and ask for help. But, the Helper was sent by the Father. HE wanted me to ASK for help from the Guide. It would be only my folly to not see what lies before me. I have to accept my many faults and go ahead with whatever I have in my hands today. God is with me, or HE would not have brought me so far. HE loves me.
I don't know if those reading this blog will understand what I have written. For someone who has by far lived life by the quarter mile, it seems difficult to see me write about God and HIS ways. But, everyone, one day wakes up and sees the light. I don't know if I have finally seen HIS light, but, I know that I am walking towards it!
